Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
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Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
💯😂
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Basketball games are very squeaky.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!