[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
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last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.