Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
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If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.