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A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Me in tagged photos
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
North and South
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
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