“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
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You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
medusa but her hair is an anaconda