Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
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GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows