Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
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I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
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My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
This is me 🤣🤣
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.