Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
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me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit