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@phaggots: [texting my girlfriend] wyd? "Just finished my homework" Cool, Send a pic (; ? *gf sends a nude* Ewww wtf!! i meant of your homework!
@fillthevacuum: Oh, those stick figures on your car aren't for the bike riders you hit? *removes 14 stick figures from car*
@SequelsWeWant: Batman V Superman 2: Both men agree their last battle was too destructive They settle their differences by playing Uno Loser leaves earth
@IamEnidColeslaw: a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds