The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
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Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Waiting for the Charmin
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot