Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
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[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious