Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
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Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit