Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
You Might Also Like
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Confused owl: What?!
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”