Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
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There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
my nickname in college
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
This is enough internet for the day.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.