My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
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Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
A family that plays together cheats.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.