i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
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The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
😬
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS