@Cravin4: Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
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@thatdutchperson: Me: sorry I can't go to the farmer's market with you. Allergies. Friend: pollen? Me: hipsters.
@brocketxyz: My greatest accomplishment as a father? Teaching my son to scream, "I WANT MOMMY," whenever my wife sends me into his room.
@shopkins776: *Lying in hospital Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip
@KizerBillhelm: Make librarians cry by calling it a "Book Museum" while taking pictures with your iPad.