My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”