@AdderallMomma: Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
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@meat_tornado_: write your suicide note in frosting on a cake so no one can eat it and people will still hate you even though you are dead
@garrettbarry70: [Christmas shopping] Me. "I need to get some wrapping paper, shall we split up?" Her. "Ok but I'm keeping the house"