The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
You Might Also Like
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I saw nothing
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.