I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
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So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Found the job I’m suited for
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I’m crying im so happy for them
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.