@KenJennings: Folks I'm seeing Trainwreck tomorrow night. Then after the GOP debate, I might go to the new Amy Schumer movie! Yeah, I went there
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@Mikecanrant: 1) Print out all your favstar trophies and fold them so they are 2D 2) Put them on your mantle 3) Invite dad over 4) Become favorite son
@MakesYouGiggle: Me: I just want to sleep! Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU'VE EVER MADE! Bladder: Oh & don't forget about me.
@stevevsninjas: [immortal aliens studying us] After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don't know what happens next.