@SondraDeeMe: *Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

@edgeoftheword: And then alcohol said "Put that on facebook, it's hilarious." But alcohol was wrong. So very wrong.

@KeetPotato: wife: "he never reacts appropriately, just tell him" doctor: "ok, keith we had to remove both your legs" me: "where will i keep my car keys"

@armyVet1972: Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I'm nervous. *vomits* HR guy: Umm…you sure about that? Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I'm just super drunk right now

@agathagotstoned: *walks out into irradiated air using an antique porcelain teacup as a gas mask* *dies instantly, but with a touch of class*