@CornOnTheGoblin: °waldo at the gym° can't none of y'all spot me

@gobmentcheese: You don't know what real fear is, until you've been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

@Underchilde: Dear Abby, I saw a questionable mole on this girl I like. How do I tell her without letting her know I hid a camera in her shower?

@canadian_egg: When you're sad, hug a kid. But make sure it's yours cuz that shit would be weird.

@WilliamAder: Twitter announced today that they've lost 134 million dollars this year. I don't know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.