@KenJennings: Folks I'm seeing Trainwreck tomorrow night. Then after the GOP debate, I might go to the new Amy Schumer movie! Yeah, I went there
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@gobmentcheese: You don't know what real fear is, until you've been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
@Underchilde: Dear Abby, I saw a questionable mole on this girl I like. How do I tell her without letting her know I hid a camera in her shower?
@canadian_egg: When you're sad, hug a kid. But make sure it's yours cuz that shit would be weird.