“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
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This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I’m giving up for Lent.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”