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We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive