Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
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Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.