@hiplingo: Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn't Follow you back within 48 hours.
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@wesjohnson8: The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny, & nobody else thinks they're jokes.
@jonnysun: ME: did it hurt GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
@hardlyrelevant: *holds up bread* this is my body *holds up wine* this is my blood *holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
@GrantTanaka: Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked "Dad, does God love bettas?" & I said "Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you."