The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
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It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
My safe word is Worcestershire
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.