@Parentpains: Follow your dreams, into traffic.
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@moneebthinks: Me: Another one, barkeep! I'm not driving! Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
@QwertyJones3: The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
@RorynotRoy: Here at Nickelodeon, we're constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child's head should be shaped like.
@panmidwest: ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip] DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species