“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
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Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.