dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
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[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
kitchen magnet
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs