pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
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“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
LOL
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car