Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
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I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Sharon, call the vet
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
They got a point!
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now