@13spencer: "Follow your dreams!" - someone born into money
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@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "I'm tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I'm leaving you." Me: "You'll be back."
@Bdell1014: If you're going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, be a decent human being & turn your phone horizontal before you record any fights
@thenatewolf: Women are so confusing, one day they say they love hummus and then the next day they say it’s a bad birthday present.
@electrolemon: i'm so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don't accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just "all the money you got"