when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
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Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
multitasking lunch
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.