Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
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Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
How about daylight saves us for once
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
no cat here
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.