[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
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Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.