Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
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ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.