@ImaFlyontheWall: *follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*
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@Brianhopecomedy: I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we're walking home with a cart.
@Classy_Cassy89: My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.
@funnyfries: I just met a woman who told me she had "trouble keeping weight on" in times of stress. I ate her.
@bourgeoisalien: [robber breaks into my house] i always knew you'd come for me, my darling. where are you going