@ImaFlyontheWall: *follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*
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@Parkerlawyer: 5,"So we don't get to open any presents today?" Me, "No." 5, "So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?"
@ayyyyloser: Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I'm the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
@AaronFullerton: If you had a terrible childhood, you'll be super-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.
@hmmwalsh: Twitter is perfect for men, because with men brevity is key. Beyond 140 characters they know they're going to say something wrong.