Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
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I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Meow
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok