*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
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Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.