“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
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To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
is nasa ok
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days