@JaneBadall: Fondly remembering a time when I could wear an over-sized guy's cardigan and still look pretty sexy, now I just look like a crazy bag lady.
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@rolldiggity: 1. Put on clown shoes. 2. Sit in toilet stall with feet pulled up. 3. Wait for someone to enter other stall. 4. Slowly lower feet to floor
@DevilryFun: Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, "Lets find something for mature skin." And then Security had to escort me.
@treywafer: Dear police: if you're going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he's in the matrix
@MollySneed: [tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved? [me with mouthful of chips] YEAH