Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
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Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
âStealing someoneâs coffee is called mugging.â
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacherâs Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
me: my parents arenât home
911: we canât help you with your capri sun straw
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
This dudes dogs đbattle cry
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like âWhy do you want so much horse tranquilizer?â & âDo you even own horses?â
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
He wasnât even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
âHey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.â
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isnât a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like theyâre going to the met gala
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.