Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
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I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
every college guy’s fridge
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic