*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
You Might Also Like
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean