*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
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serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori