@vineyille: "Food expiration dates are lies. It's all about control." My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. "I'm saving this for later."
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@nedprice: Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community's analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
@iwearaonesie: If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you're staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell "My eyes!" BEFORE she starts changing
@wtfhuman: Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it? I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don't remember eating skittles.
@fro_vo: Doctor: you're never too old to start exercising Me: cool thanks i'll start in maybe like 15 years then