“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
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I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side