“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
You Might Also Like
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem