My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
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Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?