*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
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[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????