Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
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Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
A fake ID that makes you younger
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches