Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
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[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Smells like a challenge to me
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.