Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
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It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Have kids, they said
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .