[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
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When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent