Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
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I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
my sentiments exactly
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok