Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
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There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31