Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
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Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
what’s really going on
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
“I’m helping” 😅
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China